As the year ends, I scramble to find a new years kiss
Desperate and hungry, I want to dig up your grave I never went to because I am secretly scared and because I am actually not sure if you even have a grave but anyways, I think it’s too late to even ask
There wasn’t room in the room during your funeral so I sat outside and ate another edible before I got cross faded on wine and tears
The idea of someone hating me forever is in second place of things I am most fearful of in this world right after asking about his grave
I don’t care about your tumblr I found showcasing huge titties and animated asses
I don’t care about your secrets or the time you left me or that time you told me you can’t plan or that time you weren’t aware of your dairy intolerance so I heard loud splats from the bathroom even though I was down the hall
Everyone throws the term capacity around so frivolously
I give myself fully- I throw my bones into brick, turn my skin into dust, wear my contacts for 3 days without taking them out
But I am becoming brittle! I dip into thinking who will do the same for me and the answer is everyone
The chaos of the downfall fuels me to crawl up to reach air but my friends showing up to stare at a chicken I cooked on the last day of the year is what sustains me
I saved a photo of Tahia putting lipstick on me an hour after I cried over pierogis because that is care
It is the capability of always being able to have capacity for new things and people I didn’t know existed a year ago
Capacity is expansive and when he tells me he doesn’t have it, I feel sad for him that he cannot see how expansive love can feel
Love has ballooned me! I am huge! and not in the way that I think I am taller than everyone but in the way everywhere I go I find myself and my experiences in different bodies
Love is my dad visiting where I work on the way back from seeing his sister after her chemo and telling me about an iPad pen he got on an after Christmas sale
It is sharing chicken soup with a coworker and sending Melissa a podcast worth of voice memos that she actually listened to
But somehow, I still yearn for more like maybe fucking into the new year will make me forget I made a mistake that has culminated in your inability to even look at me
Fucking can only temporarily fill a hole, though. I know that.
But I wanted that hole filled as a cover up- a moment of amnesia, a respite from the year I felt too much too new into my 30s