Sometimes I feel a little strange being in my 30s and doing many gigs at once. I think there was a time I felt ashamed that I never became a full time comedian or writer or performer. I often felt embarrassed I still had to hold down a job because no one was booking me for shit. Post-2020, I just feel lucky I get to do all the things I want. I get to perform and write and meet so many people and read all the things I would’ve never had time for if I was doing something else full time.
I think once I removed the need to participate in normative adulthood, I was able to do things more intentionally. I am able to carve out many worlds within my universe. I am able to stretch myself out rather than squish into being a singular thing that can be easily chewed by the masses, rather than be a neatly packaged item that can easily be plucked off a shelf, rather than be easily commodified to make a white man in “the industry” richer, etc.
I can be complicated. I can be confusing to people. I can make them wonder “so… what do you do?” and it becomes a conversation rather than a simple sentence exchange. I can put eggs in many baskets, so to speak. I can try everything all at once. I can expand my pallet. I can leave when I want to. I can be something new every single day.
The freedom I have built myself can feel frightening, though. It has sometimes caused me to feel untethered. It has challenged me to having my own survival be my only motivation to push on and learn more. And when you are your only motivation, it can feel unreasonable to keep trying. It can feel selfish. I am scared that one day, I will lose my stamina to keep trying and because there is no higher up or mass audience demanding I churn work out, I will not know what to do. I don’t have children or a partner or any mouths I need to feed other than my own. At least not right now.
As I dive deeper into my 30s, I am realizing it can be radical as a queer Indian woman to put myself and the communities I serve first rather than lean into the desperate need to create a nuclear family of sorts before my vagina dries out and my nipples are hitting the floor.
Is it ok that I don’t have big career goals? Is it ok that I remain relatively unknown? And why is it I feel like if I don’t hit some huge career milestone like having my own tv show or have a million followers that I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be “allowed” to keep creating? What the fuck is this fucking pressure?
I spent my 20s hungry for something I couldn’t put my finger on. I spent my 20s desperate and confused. I can’t even tell you what I was gunning for when I was doing ten shows a week, going to grad school, saying yes over and over and over again, auditioning for roles for quirky ugly girls, letting rejection slowly chip into my bones and seep into the marrow.
I am not here to knock at the folks who want that type of success. I am here to question: why is it a failure if I don’t always desire all the things that would deem me a successful adult?
I have dreams but they all feel practical- they feel within reach. To release music into the world, to make enough for rent, to have friends over more for dinner, to keep writing, to try my hands at writing fiction, to leave New York often, to learn how to thread my eyebrow, to kiss someone I love.
I guess I am thinking of this because I feel a little nervous about heading to India next month where my lifestyle, my desires, and how I look aren’t necessarily palatable to my family there. I am nervous I am about to swing back into the insecurity of feeling like a failure despite knowing I am the one who made the decision to life this way.
I think once I decided to remove the need to participate in normative adulthood, I developed confidence. Doing things intentionally will do that to you- it’ll create roots. I hope I remember that and continually remind myself of that. I hope I remember this is what I wanted and what I didn’t think was even a possibility.
I hope all my friends at any and all ages continue to remove the pressure they put on themselves to achieve “success” or any form of “normative adulthood” crap because that shit will literally kill you. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a book deal. I wish I had a partner I was starting a family with. I wish was touring all over the world. I would never dare to wish to be at a different place or be a different person than where/who I am now.