I have made peace with being too particular. I am nitpicky and obnoxious. I place my opinions on unreachable pedestals. I hold high expectations for myself and the people around me. I am not unforgiving but I have reached my limit on forgiving, for now at least.
I wish there was an easier/softer way to say this won’t work out but it was nice/convenient when it did.
The truth is, I am an asshole. I am self serving and persistent when it comes to pushing forward. I look back to several months ago and find myself, mentally, on a completely unrecognizable planet and the truth is: I do not miss the planet I vacated. Old friendships, jobs, outfits, eating habits, daily routines, etc. have been cleared out and I do not feel an ounce of remorse. I am not staring out my window watching globs of rain spit sideways around my yard while thinking fondly about any of it. The overcompensating, the assumptions made about me, the feeling awkward in clothes that made me feel subdued, the dysphoria in every sense, the suppression.
I don’t mind being a cunt when I let everyone and every place know that it is not personal. It is not personal, meaning, it doesn’t indicate anyone or anything is bad but I guess it is deeply personal when I say I am have not been compatible with many people and places but have forced myself to try to be over accommodating in the spirit of ~ peace and harmony ~
Or, in other words, Bull Shit
I loved Bull Shit for so long. Bull Shit let me sit comfortably. It let me be likeable and fun. It took me to places I never wanted to be. It had me saying yes, no problem and signing paperwork to shut my fucking mouth. It had people in my home prying through my cabinets when I had work to do. It had me sacrifice desire in the name of delusion. Bull Shit is an addiction that I am slowly weaning myself off of. Bull Shit made me consumable and I have been absolutely terrified to be an acquired taste- a strange stinky cheese only touched by a brave few.
I am not likeable. I am not quiet and often times, I am not moving with my best foot forward. I don’t like most people and I don’t like most places. I am annoying and secretive. My personality is pungent. I came home from a trip the other day and I immediately started cleaning and moving my roommates things into neat little piles. I over organized and poked and prodded. I am not fun all the time. I am blocked by many and revered by a few- all of whom are fellow particular freaks. I have scrubbed workplaces off my resume to forget I have fought and fumbled many times before (and will continue to do so)
My phone is on do not disturb- I won’t answer you on time, if ever. I am busy but I am also in bed surrounded by pillows and pumped with caffeine. I am unbothered.